The densely numb sensation in my face is something I find hard to explain. The closest I can get is the feeling you get when you've had a local injection at the dentist. Your face feels swollen, you can't feel certain areas of your face and mouth and you feel as though you must look deformed. The mirror tells me my face is moving as it always did, but my mind tells me different (in fact I feel like I could be a ventriloquist)! Sadly the left side of my mouth/tongue/lips are numb which means I bite them really easily. I forever have bites on them and can never tell if food is trapped somewhere around my teeth because I can't feel it. My eye is numb too, I can actually touch my eyeball and feel nothing but I have artificial tear drops to help with lubrication and have to wear glasses if I leave the house. The surrounding area, eyelids, cheek, side of my nose, temple and scalp are the same, as is my chin. Imagine a burn, where the sensation is altered other than the constant burning. No matter how much you run your burn under the cold water, the burning remains the same. Each tiny temperature change does this to my face - both hot and cold - increases that burning sensation and discomfort. It is a painful feeling and reacts to those temperature changes. The cold makes the skin feel tighter, as though I'm wearing a mask that prevents my face from actually moving. The heat causes prickly sensations, which I feel before I realise my face is too close to the fire and burning hot. Any exposure to the varying temperatures outside give me increased pain and it is a pain I've not yet learned to deal with.
With physical pain we have medication, meditation, complementary therapies (crystals, reiki, acupuncture, reflexology etc) and at different times I have tried them all. Yet the burning dense numbness is a completely different pain. It is extreme discomfort which destroys any self esteem you might have. When talking to someone you're forever biting your tongue, stumbling over words and the dryness of the mouth just adds to the embarrassment! I realised very early on that nothing I did, or tried, or used to medicate, altered the numbness and the relevant pain it caused. I couldn't reach for morphine because it made no difference. Massage felt nice on one hand but made me more and more aware of what I couldn't feel when compared to the right side of my face. This has made the situation really hard to deal with.
I'm aware now that this will be a process. I still hope, 10 months on, that some sensation might return to certain areas of my face, but I'm also aware that the longer it carries on, the less chance I have of that happening. I have to try and find a way of living with my 'new' face, but I also have to allow myself time to process the outcome of the surgery and the extra problems it has caused.
The TN (I can't be sure if it's the typical or atypical TN pain) is still there. I know this because THAT particular pain feels familiar and does, to a degree, respond to the usual pain relieving techniques that I'm used to trying. On the worst days I reach for Oramorph, a very strong opiate that might only slightly mask the pain but causes me to stop caring as much. It also makes me drowsy, which is always a bonus when you're in pain!
As a result of the MVD I continue to have TN pain that is constant although variable, it can resemble raging toothache that covers a large area or a dull ache that occasionally zaps across my cheek. But now I have the pain and discomfort of the numbness. At this moment nothing will ever be the same for me. I will never smile and feel comfortable, never talk and feel relaxed, I can't eat in front of people because I always dribble something and don't realise it, I can't imagine kissing someone and loving every moment because that sensation has gone. I can't breathe through my left nostril because the heavy, dragging sensation feels as though it's pulling it down and blocking it. As yet I haven't found out if that is a result of the MVD or from a wide bore naso-gastric tube that I had while in hospital that may have caused some damage. Either could be causing me problems, but I can't face pursuing that as yet. I've had my left side front teeth looked at as they are causing me some severe pain. The slightest touch with my tongue feels like someone is sticking needles up into those front 3 teeth on the left. I don't know if I've damaged them from constantly trying to pull the intubation tube out while in ITU or if they are responding to the altered sensation. I wonder if they are irritated from my top lip which can feel 'fuzzy' at times or if they are indeed damaged. My dentist did x-ray them but couldn't see any hair line fracture, but when I saw the Maxilofacial doctor he said he could see a crack in my front tooth with his naked eye.
It is hard to know what to believe yet. I don't have the finances to have a front crown and I don't even know if I need one.
No comments:
Post a Comment